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Writer, Father. Entrepreneur. Bum. Atheist. Recluse. Garhwali. Foodie. Downloader. Drifter. In no particular order.

18.4.06

confessions (of an aging metalhead)

She’s my brown eyed girl, if y’know what I mean. Yes, even though her eyes are black as coal.

I often dream about being the frontman of a rock band, the crowd eating out of my hands. Just this morning, while driving, I sang Korn’s version of ‘Ice Ice Baby’ to my teeming fans, followed by Diamond Head’s ‘Am I evil’.

Then I sang ‘Fire and Rain’ by James Taylor. Just for myself.

I have started taking guitar lessons 4 times, only to run out of gas midway. It’s true that I am way too lazy. I am about to start my lessons for the 5th time soon.

Today, I woke up dreaming of a brand new Sony Ericsson mobile phone. I don’t see myself as overtly materialistic. Or shallow.

I hate being away from my 10 month old son. I feel that I am losing out on something precious and irrevocable with every passing day. I fear that he has forgotten me, or that he’d never be as attached to me as he would have been if I were there. I miss him as I’ve never missed anyone. I love him as I’ve never loved anyone.

I despise having to work for my livelihood. I wish I worked just for kicks.

I enjoy music quite a bit, but not nearly as much as I used to. I think it is because I have grown old(er).

I enjoy sex as much as I imagined I would when I was a virgin. It’s the only thing in my life that hasn’t turned out to be a lemon. So far.

I think the reason for my enjoying sex so much is because I love my wife so much. I sometimes wonder if it is, in fact, vice-versa.

I believe in magic. And after-life.

I believe I have become a better writer than I used to be. I fear it’s not good enough.

I used to be a pornaholic. I still like porn, but now in a much healthier manner. Or so I think.

I used to have an (undiagnosed) bipolar disorder. I think love cured it. Or sex.

I still have an overtly obsessive personality. I barely manage to keep it under check. It’s simultaneously my biggest strength and weakness.

I have always been a depression-prone negative person. Now, for the first time in my life, I don’t feel overwhelmingly negative. In fact, now you can even call me, by-and-large, positive.

I think the above has hindered my success/life more often than I’d ever admit.

I’m a closeted weirdo. I’m not quite as weird as I’d like to be.

I love comics, especially the superhero kinds. I wonder what that says about my personality.

I’m geeky, but only slightly. No, really.

I download music. I tell myself it is so because I don't have access to my kind of music in this country. I fear it would hurt the music industry in the long run. I feel slightly guilty because of that.

I do not hate muslims. Or Pakis. I often wish we were one people. I wonder why no one can see how similar we are. Even with the baggage of our respective religions. Sometimes, I fanatsise about a Germany-like reunion.

If I knew a place like Fight Club, I would consider being a member.

9 comments:

darkness said...

Those were very "real confessions"
I don't have anything particular to say about your post except that I enjoyed reading this more than fiction. Life's fiction is always more intriguing.

Manish Bhatt said...

Gracias, darkness!

Reshma Sanyal said...

Nice. Very confessional indeed.

Manish Bhatt said...

Graci!

Horsey said...

What exactly is a pornaholic? Every guy likes porn, so that much is normal. Is there more to being a pornaholic than just liking porn?

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Anonymous said...

Keep up the good work » »

Anonymous said...

Where did you find it? Interesting read » »

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