confessions (of an aging metalhead)

She’s my brown eyed girl, if y’know what I mean. Yes, even though her eyes are black as coal.

I often dream about being the frontman of a rock band, the crowd eating out of my hands. Just this morning, while driving, I sang Korn’s version of ‘Ice Ice Baby’ to my teeming fans, followed by Diamond Head’s ‘Am I evil’.

Then I sang ‘Fire and Rain’ by James Taylor. Just for myself.

I have started taking guitar lessons 4 times, only to run out of gas midway. It’s true that I am way too lazy. I am about to start my lessons for the 5th time soon.

Today, I woke up dreaming of a brand new Sony Ericsson mobile phone. I don’t see myself as overtly materialistic. Or shallow.

I hate being away from my 10 month old son. I feel that I am losing out on something precious and irrevocable with every passing day. I fear that he has forgotten me, or that he’d never be as attached to me as he would have been if I were there. I miss him as I’ve never missed anyone. I love him as I’ve never loved anyone.

I despise having to work for my livelihood. I wish I worked just for kicks.

I enjoy music quite a bit, but not nearly as much as I used to. I think it is because I have grown old(er).

I enjoy sex as much as I imagined I would when I was a virgin. It’s the only thing in my life that hasn’t turned out to be a lemon. So far.

I think the reason for my enjoying sex so much is because I love my wife so much. I sometimes wonder if it is, in fact, vice-versa.

I believe in magic. And after-life.

I believe I have become a better writer than I used to be. I fear it’s not good enough.

I used to be a pornaholic. I still like porn, but now in a much healthier manner. Or so I think.

I used to have an (undiagnosed) bipolar disorder. I think love cured it. Or sex.

I still have an overtly obsessive personality. I barely manage to keep it under check. It’s simultaneously my biggest strength and weakness.

I have always been a depression-prone negative person. Now, for the first time in my life, I don’t feel overwhelmingly negative. In fact, now you can even call me, by-and-large, positive.

I think the above has hindered my success/life more often than I’d ever admit.

I’m a closeted weirdo. I’m not quite as weird as I’d like to be.

I love comics, especially the superhero kinds. I wonder what that says about my personality.

I’m geeky, but only slightly. No, really.

I download music. I tell myself it is so because I don't have access to my kind of music in this country. I fear it would hurt the music industry in the long run. I feel slightly guilty because of that.

I do not hate muslims. Or Pakis. I often wish we were one people. I wonder why no one can see how similar we are. Even with the baggage of our respective religions. Sometimes, I fanatsise about a Germany-like reunion.

If I knew a place like Fight Club, I would consider being a member.